Manny Santos Defender

 Manny Santos has meant something to me since I was literally like 12 years old and it is because I have always had such sympathy and care for her. To me she is a product of constantly being treated as a sex object when all she has ever wanted is love? I know Manny isn't perfect, and I hate a home wrecker as much as the next person. However I feel like she truly wasn't a home wrecker, she was used.

When Manny was in that garage with Craig was heavily implying that it was over between him and Ashley. While Manny was also making it very clear that she was envious of the fact that Craig treated Ashley as a person he loved, not just as a person he found hot like her ex boyfriend had did to her. She was in the mindset that if she gave Craig something he wanted (aka sex) he would treat her like how he treated Ashley. Give her flowers, make her a song the whole nine yards. So she gave that man her virginty and he proceeded to get her pregnant. I cannot comprehend how horrible that must've felt. He used her for gratification and continued to promise to her that he would leave Ashley. But it never happened until Ashley found out herself. And frankly Ashley was not nearly as mad at Craig then Manny, she exposed her for being pregnant and slut shamed her for months after. Manny was younger then Craig, and a virgin before him and she was now labeled as something that stained the rest of her time at Degrassi.

I will forever defend Manny, she is a sweet girl who was brought up with a strict father who only loved her until she started to grow up. Which is something I personally relate to. I think Manny's heart has always been in the right place but she didn't learn for a long time that lust and love aren't equivalent and giving someone the most private parts of yourself doesn't mean they will suddenly treat you right. 

Manny Santos is my kin forever and always.

What is Next?

 I think I have known ever since I was 14 that I'd have to move out at least by 22. It has never been a clear path on how I would be able to get there. But I've always known. I am so envious of people who have parents that do not act as if their love is conditional. I live in this space inside my head where I constantly feel I will forever feel this alone and hollow. Even now with all the years of therapy and growing up as a person I always feel like a little 12 year old girl all over again whenever anyone is upset with me. Every time it feels like thats the last conversation I will have with them, like it is the final nail in the coffin to be exhausted of my existence. I do not know how to be, I don't know how to not live on edge. I do not know what my future holds, I don't even know if I can be successful. But I know my life cannot continue how it has and I will try everything I can to make sure it does not. That is all one can hope for.

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 You can literally explain yourself as calmly and as thoroughly as possible to someone and they will still find a way to invalidate you, not listen and pretend to be noble. Apologizes aren't real if you absolve yourself of all responsibility!!!

!!!

 Microaggressive or macro-aggressive? I'd say both!

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I am currently doing my first ever big crochet project and it is honestly kind of difficult to find motivation to do it. I am making a blanket, not a small simple blanket but a big one because I cannot stand small blankets! One row takes me like 45 minutes to an hour to finish and it is difficult for me to want to continue after doing one row. But I guess any form of progress is progress, I at least want to get to a half way point sometime soon and I hope I can. So far it kinda just looks like a really wide scarf to be honest.

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​I hate people who don’t care having empathy is good for everyone!