My Inventory

How to Find the Beauty in Everything

 

Over the past few days me and my boyfriend Elijah have been keeping a list of what makes us smile throughout the day. It was an idea I came up with after trying to help both of us see the beauty in our own lives. I think often times it is very hard to see it through all the negative, especially with the current state of our country. Taking a step back and realizing the little things that make us smile everyday in our lives are apart of living. They may be small but they get so much bigger when you see them all written down on a list.

I advise everyone to start keeping a happy list, write down the date everyday and out down what made you smile, what made you laugh. It is important to see things like that can still exist even when life feels hard.

Make the life your living feel alive.

How to Have a Social Life?

 

I envy people who are consistently busy and always have plans. For me having an eventful week is having more than two plans in one week. Last week was probably my most eventful week in months. I went to the movies three times, and I also went to the fair! 

But coming off of that week I have done nothing besides my hair. Which I guess is semi productive. I yearn for a booked social calendar. When I was working at least I felt productive despite having nothing else planned. It is so hard to make plans with people and sometimes I honestly just get tired of asking and feel like a bother.

I am still very thankful for the people in my life who do actually enjoy my presence though. I am 100% not alone but sometimes it does feel impossible to even hang out with the people who care about you. 

One day it will all be so simple.

Manny Santos Defender

 Manny Santos has meant something to me since I was literally like 12 years old and it is because I have always had such sympathy and care for her. To me she is a product of constantly being treated as a sex object when all she has ever wanted is love? I know Manny isn't perfect, and I hate a home wrecker as much as the next person. However I feel like she truly wasn't a home wrecker, she was used.

When Manny was in that garage with Craig was heavily implying that it was over between him and Ashley. While Manny was also making it very clear that she was envious of the fact that Craig treated Ashley as a person he loved, not just as a person he found hot like her ex boyfriend had did to her. She was in the mindset that if she gave Craig something he wanted (aka sex) he would treat her like how he treated Ashley. Give her flowers, make her a song the whole nine yards. So she gave that man her virginty and he proceeded to get her pregnant. I cannot comprehend how horrible that must've felt. He used her for gratification and continued to promise to her that he would leave Ashley. But it never happened until Ashley found out herself. And frankly Ashley was not nearly as mad at Craig then Manny, she exposed her for being pregnant and slut shamed her for months after. Manny was younger then Craig, and a virgin before him and she was now labeled as something that stained the rest of her time at Degrassi.

I will forever defend Manny, she is a sweet girl who was brought up with a strict father who only loved her until she started to grow up. Which is something I personally relate to. I think Manny's heart has always been in the right place but she didn't learn for a long time that lust and love aren't equivalent and giving someone the most private parts of yourself doesn't mean they will suddenly treat you right. 

Manny Santos is my kin forever and always.

New Craft!!

 I didn’t really get up to much today but I did try a new hobby of “sculpting” with clay. I didn’t do anything quite impressive I just made a flower jewelry dish and it somehow did not come out completely deformed. After it dries i’m gonna paint it and show results, hopefully it doesn’t look horrid!!

Pull of the Day

• Two of Wands (reversed)- Fear of unknown, intense indecision, and over planning without taking action
• Ace of Wands (reversed)- delayed progress, creative blocks, and lack of enthusiasm
• Hierophant- needing guidance
• Fool- yes

Takeaway- Although I am not sure what the future holds and that makes me feel less excited about it. If I trust within myself and the people around me who genuinely care for me and want me to thrive. Everything will work out the way I want it to. 

What is Next?

 I think I have known ever since I was 14 that I'd have to move out at least by 22. It has never been a clear path on how I would be able to get there. But I've always known. I am so envious of people who have parents that do not act as if their love is conditional. I live in this space inside my head where I constantly feel I will forever feel this alone and hollow. Even now with all the years of therapy and growing up as a person I always feel like a little 12 year old girl all over again whenever anyone is upset with me. Every time it feels like thats the last conversation I will have with them, like it is the final nail in the coffin to be exhausted of my existence. I do not know how to be, I don't know how to not live on edge. I do not know what my future holds, I don't even know if I can be successful. But I know my life cannot continue how it has and I will try everything I can to make sure it does not. That is all one can hope for.